Studying Medicine

If you'd asked me 5 months ago what clinical school was like,
I'd have given the same generic answer :
Tiring.

Ask me now, and I'll tell you,
more than tiring, more than hectic, more than crazy,
...clinical school is frustrating.

Down. right. frustrating.


You study, and you try and cover all the bases,
you stay in the wards at least til 5 on the days you aren't on call,
you go back to the wards after class,

you give it pretty much everything you've got,

to the extent that when you come home, you have no energy to do anything but collapse into bed,

and yet.

YET, it's not enough.

It never is.

There's always something you've missed out,
always something you never thought of doing,
always something you lack experience in,
always something you've not quite finished.

And always, always, that nagging feeling of incompetence.



And Obs, more than any other posting, serves to highlight exactly how incompetent you are,
and exactly how incompetent you'll always be.


Don't get me wrong, I love Obs.
And I'm not being sarcastic, and it's not one of those throw-around lines.
I love Obstetrics.
I do.
Even more than Paeds, and I had alot of fun in Paeds, mind you.

Obs is...it's crazy.
It's hectic.
You're on the go non-stop, even on the weekends, with their case summaries and reports and reflections and what-not.
Pretty much the only full day of rest you get is Sunday.

And it's over too soon, and before you know it you're back to the grindstone.

I was about ready to collapse from exhaustion at the start of this week (and it's only the 3rd week!)

...and then life throws at me : Dato' Siva.

The King Tyrant of all Obstetric Tyrants.
(and that's saying something, Nazimah can be quite the tyrant herself)

And he's absolutely ridiculous.

In the past three days I've been called more names than I've ever heard of in my entire life,
been scolded in tamil (I'm still trying to figure out what he said)
been pulled out of ward rounds, and dragged to the Sem 9 wards...

Let me see if I can recall the list of things he's ever said to me :

You're a passive learner! - about 129038293 times
You'll never benefit!
You'll never be a good doctor!
What do you do in the wards, Vidya? Sleep?
Why aren't you even the slight bit interested in anything!?
You will never learn anything if you continue like this.
I feel like strangling you, Vidya, I really do.


It probably wouldn't hurt so much if he'd given everyone else the same treatment, but no.
I'm the one who gets it most.

And why!?

I'm not the laziest, and I'm not an over-achiever either.
I'm just...average.
Same as a good 60% of everyone else in the posting.

So why pick on me, sir?



Isn't it frustrating...dampening, even to be told you'll never be good enough when you're trying your best to stay on your feet.
And believe me, am I trying.
Life doesn't exist for me outside of the hospital anymore, except for those 15 minutes of facebook and twitter every night.


Sometimes you just feel like throwing in the towel, saying I've had enough. I can't do this anymore and just walking away from it all.
And sometimes you just feel that fire that spurs you on to prove them all wrong.
To prove that you have every right to be here, same as everyone else.
That you're not as stupid as they make you out to be.



This week, more than any other, has been incredibly frustrating.


For once, for once,
I'd like to feel that maybe,
just maybe I might be good enough at this.

Maybe I won't screw up.
Maybe my fears of being a rubbish doctor won't be realised.

Maybe.


ugh.
Emo post.
Sorry.



~vid~