Feelings.

I'm going completely crazy.

Haven't been myself these past few weeks, everything just seems to be spiraling out of control.

SAQs and OSPEs are done...just the OSCEs left!
Those are the real pains-in-the-butt.
Stand alone, yo!
Need to pass OSCE to pass EOS7. aaaaaaaaaaah.
My brain is suddenly blank, and I feel so bloody incompetent.

Its not like I don't know how to do PE and stuff, of course I do, but just the thought of the lecturers sitting there and watching your every move like hawks.....aaaaaah intimidating la okay!
:/
And the idea of ten minute stations terrify me :(((


PRAY FOR ME YOU GUYS.
KEEP PRAYING TIL WEDNESDAY OKAY.
PRAY EXTRA HARD ON WEDNESDAY MORNING.






Sigh.

Thought I saw the back of his head today.
I swear I'm going completely mental.
I don't know what this is, and it's driving me crazy.

Is it going to turn out to be one of those stupid crushes I get when I'm stressed out and hormonal,
or is it going to be something that actually lasts and breaks my heart into a million pieces when he leaves?

Because he'll leave.
Not sure when, but he will.
My only consolation is that the new postings just started, and he'll have at least another month of his current posting to be completed when I come back in Sem8.
I'm kind of really thankful right now that I'm not in Group A for my selectives. :(

It scares me really.
I'm so used to having him around now, so used to seeing that arrogant smirk,
that just one day without seeing him and I'm suddenly spazzing out, unable to function.

It scares me that one day I won't see him in the cafe at lunch,
I won't see him in the hospital anymore,
and one week later it'll sink in...that he's done, he's not coming back anytime in the next three years.
It terrifies me.
Right now, in the state I'm in, I don't know if I'll be able to live with that.
I don't think I will.


Please don't let this be your last posting.
Please.



And so it had to be.
The girl who steadfastly claimed she would never marry a doctor, finally fell head over heels for a houseman.

And not just any houseman.
One that I've been mocking for the past one year,
the one houseman I honestly couldn't stand in HTJ.

I thought I hated him.

Who knew this heart could be so fickle?

Who knew when this hate turned into grudging respect?

He's so... argh. For someone who didn't want to marry a doctor, I seemed to have managed to pick the one Indian boy who's so madly in love with medicine that he'd probably marry it, given the chance.
One of those people who are so dedicated and passionate and responsible that they resent others for not loving medicine as much as they do.
One of those people who are so confident at what they do that they sneer at you for being nervous, for making mistakes.

For God's sake, he's like a Dato' Siva in the making!

Of all the bloody people to fall for!


Do you even notice I exist?
Am I actually an individual person to you...that loud Indian girl who laughs really loudly and stares back at you levelly?
Or do you just see me as part of that annoyingly noisy group that you always bump into in the cafeteria?
Or am I just 'oh God, another medical student?'

Do you even know what you've become to me?
Do you even know how bloody difficult it was for me, after a whole year, to get off my high horse and admit how fucking cute I think you are?



You're not supposed to be cute!
You're supposed to be that annoying doctor who thinks he's a cut above everyone else!


I wasn't supposed to fall in love, dammit.


Things weren't meant to turn out this way.



Half of me wants it to just be another stupid crush that will go away.
Half of me wants this to be endgame.






GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.





~vid~