OBAH/NP

Like a little boat out at sea,
without a motor, without oars.


For as long as I can remember I've wanted to write.

I actually have lots of stories, but somehow when I sit in front of my laptop I can't seem to work up the energy to type them all out.
It seems much easier to sit here and wallow in self-pity.

And so the depressive cycle starts again.




I can either go with the flow and wait for it to die off eventually,
or I can go do something about it.

I need to run it off.

I need my life back.





Operation Be A Nicer/Happier Person starts tonight.
This blog is my witness.




Went through my documents folder, found so many old excerpts of unfinished stories.
I need to start writing again.
It made me a happier person.



There are so many things I'm unsatisfied with.

I'm not happy with my results.
I'm not happy with that nagging feeling of incompetence that just doesn't go away.

I'm not happy with who I'm becoming.

Someone accused me recently of causing them emotional hurt.
Part of me wanted to scoff and discard the whole issue, and I'm afraid that part was in dominance while replying to aforesaid person,
but another part was deeply upset by it.

I'm not trying to be Little Miss Sunshine,
and as unjust as I find that accusation to be, it hurts me that someone would hold me responsible for their own misery.

I've become so much of a bitch nowadays that it doesn't occur to me to stop and think about whether anyone would be seriously hurt over anything I say.

This is not who I am.
This is NOT who I want to be.

The only consolation is that there still was that small part of me that was upset about it...maybe not all hope is lost.



There was a time when I used to make an effort to be nice to people,
when I used to make an effort to dress nicely,
when I used to make an effort at life.

I can't be living my life in this state of limbo like this.

Its self-destructive.





We start tonight.




~vid~