Yet Another Emotional Post

And the ridiculous post is sidelined yet again.

Might write it later once my assignments are done (if I write it at all. ahem)

There's something that's been bugging me for quite awhile, really.

I feel.

Unloved.

Unimportant.

In my own home.

Its quite sad really.

I come home, all they want me to do is help with the cooking/cleaning/etc etc because thats a girl's job, yeah.
I mean its not like we're living in the 21st century or anything where there's gender equality, right?

And to think, every weekend I run back home just to be able to rest and relax and feel loved.
I don't hate Seremban,
its just that clinical school gets to you sometimes,
and you just want to run back to a sanctuary where people genuinely care for you.

I'm not saying my family doesn't love me,

its just.

They're indifferent, most of the time.

They just don't care.

I can come back home,
completely worn out to the point I'm practically collapsing with sleep,

and they're just like "you want to sleep NOW?"

Or I can be having the worst migraine in the history of the universe,
or an ache in my leg,

or a stomach ache,

or any damn illness really,

and they're just "you're a medical student, you know what medicine to take"

I mean, yes, I DO know what medicine to take,

but I'm human too!

Sometimes all I want is a hug,

or at least a pat on the head,

and some indication that someone cares that I'm not feeling well.

I quote Alex Day : "I just want a cuddle and someone to tell me I've been a brave lil' soldier"

And oddly enough,

nowadays,

the only place I get that from is in Seremban. Back in clinical school, where I'm surrounded by medical people.

They care.

Because they go through the same thing too.

Its like there's a line separating pre-medschool and medschool.
Pre-medschool people cared if I got sick.
But now, nope. You're going to be a doctor, fix yourself.

Just because we're doctors/medical students doesn't mean we're invincible.

We bleed too, same as everyone else.

We hurt physically, too.

And bloody hell, we have emotions too!

And worst of all,

is when you come home all excited from something you've seen/heard in the clinics or the wards,

or some really neat procedure you helped out with or learnt to do,

sometimes you really want to talk about it.

Like "ohmygod I saw my first post-mortem! It was sooooo coooooool!"

(note : Post-mortems are really cool ok)

And no one cares.

They're either horrified,

or they just. don't. care.

Like, oh, you saw what? Oh okay. Cool. Lets talk about something else.

It hurts you know.

It hurts that people tune you out.

It hurts that I can be talking about how we had to give a patient CPR and I can just stop the story halfway and no one realises I haven't finished the story because they've all spaced out.

It hurts that a phone call, a tv show, chopping a fucking carrot can all be more important than your daughter telling you what happened in her life.

And then they complain that I don't tell them anything.

Really?

Maybe I should record our conversations, so you can play them back and realise that you've tuned out half of how my week went.

And its so unfair!

My brother's an engineer,

sometimes he comes back from work all excited about some distillation column or some boiler,

and half the time I have no idea what he's talking about,

but I listen.

I make the effort to actually sit and listen and understand what he's saying.

I ask questions to clarify things I don't get.

Why can't they do that for me?

I'm not speaking Greek here.

I've become so well-versed in layman terms because I have tried so hard to make it simple for my family to understand,

but they don't care.

And my non-medical friends don't care.

It's like I've become some alien being that can only properly communicate with other people in the medical field.

And its not like all of us med students sit around and discuss medicine.

We talk about movies, and music and politics and we bitch about random people,

same as everyone else in every other profession.

We're still normal people.

I'd always wanted to marry an engineer,

because everyone in my family is an engineer, and so I thought at least my future husband would fit in,

and I thought that marrying a doctor would be incredibly boring,

because then your whole life would be all about medicine, at work, at home..

but slowly, I'm beginning to realise the reason why so many doctors end up with doctors,

is because they're the only ones who really get you.

They're the only ones that understand that one some days all you want to do is curl up in bed and shut out the world,

that some days you really don't feel like going out and meeting up with people,

that some days you're going to come back from work excited about something that happened,

that some days you're going to want to sit them down and discuss specialization options.

I'm beginning to think I should marry a doctor, for my own sake.

For the sake of having someone who would both understand and care.

Because I'm slowly becoming invisible to everyone around me.
I'm just "the future doctor"

And that sucks.

~vid~