The Thank You

Wasn't planning to write today, or for awhile, actually, 

but there's something that I just need to get off my chest, 

and if I don't do it right now,

then I'll never get around to it.

This is a thank you post to all the people that have stood by me these past few years.

I'm going to be horribly incoherent because I just finished bawling my eyes out over a Suits fanfic in whieh Mike dies, 

and then I received a birthday present and then I realized that there are people in this world who love me, 

and now I feel like bawling my eyes out all over again.

So while I'm in emotional-epiphany-mode, 

I want to say a huge thank you to all my friends. You lot from high school, some of you from Taylors, the few from IMU who have stuck by me through the worst times, and you overseas lot whom I know only through my blog.

And the people from tumblr as well.

So many people I've never even met face to face who actually care - I love you guys too.

I don't deserve to be so loved.

I have days when I'm cranky for no reason.

I'm oversensitive.

I lose my temper faster than anyone I've known.

And over the years I've become bitter and cynical and sometimes absolutely unpleasant to be with.

And there are days when I'm insanely happy for no reason.

Days when I fangirl to the extreme and force my obsessions down everyone's throats.
I procrastinate and then whine about it to anyone who will listen, and then get upset and depressed if you don't.

I'm horrible at keeping in touch.

And then there are days when I wonder why I put up with people...only to realize weeks later that they care for me far more than I could ever care for them.

I don't deserve you guys, really.

But thank you.

For putting up with me.

For being there for me.

And for layaning me through all my mad phases.

I love you guys.

*big sniffly group hug*

I'll stop being a sap now and go do my assignment.

ok.

~vid~

Quarter-Life Crisis

So horribly depressed. 

I've been irritated with every small thing recently. 
The slightest thing is enough to set me off. 
I guess its because I expect people to behave in a certain way. 
And they don't.
And then I get irritated. 

Anger comes from having expectations. 
Why do I still have expectations when I know its only going to wear me down in the end? 

ugh. 


Can this all be over? 

Can I just curl up in a blanket and just ignore the world for awhile? 

I don't want to think about people. 
Or assignments. 
Or make decisions of any sort. 
Or think about work. 
I just don't want to think right now. 


Is this what a life crisis feels like? 

I'm 22. Qualifies as a quarter-life crisis, doesn't it? 


~vid~

The Case of the Solitary Thyroid Nodule

I am a horrible blogger.
I'm turning into one of those people who have blogs but never update.
I don't know why I don't, really. I could say that it's because I'm incredibly busy - which, to be fair to me, would be true. but..
It's not that I've run out of stories either, there are random points in time where I think : "oh, this would be good material for a blog post!", but when I come home and sit in front of my laptop, the only thing I can work up energy for is flitting between social networking sites.

I'm sorry.

Alright, so now that we've gotten that out of the way,
I'll tell you guys a story now.

(no, this is not going to turn out to be one of those I'm-sorry-I'm-a-shit-blogger-I-will-try-harder-but-not-today posts)



So.

The Case Of The Solitary Thyroid Nodule

So last Wednesday, I was sitting around in uni waiting to speak with Dr Kyin Win about one of my assignments... and one of the people I was sitting with just randomly decided to ask me :

"Do you think you have a goitre?"

[Goitre : enlargement of the thyroid gland]

To be honest, this isn't the first time I've asked/told about it.
In Sem 8, one of our fam med doctors decided to point out : "eh you have a goitre la", and then "maybe yours is euthyroid goitre" when I mentioned that my previous thyroid function tests had been normal.

All this time I'd just assumed I had a thick neck on account of my being..well, fat.

But anyway, 

since it'd been mentioned more than once, I decided I needed to finally do something about it, if only for cosmetic reasons.

So on Friday, when my brother had to go to the clinic for something, 

I decided to go along with him and ask the doctor if I could do something about the goitre by just making changes in my diet, or if I'd need iodine supplements or anything of the sort.

So I go see this doctor, right, 

(and surprise, surprise, he's an IMU graduate! - no names mentioned because, well, you'll see)

And he checks my neck and goes :

"Oh yes, your thyroid gland is enlarged"

"I think you have a solitary thyroid nodule"

What.

"Yeah. Definitely a nodule there"

What.

"Do you have any symptoms? Tremors, palpitations..?"

I did. Along with a recent increase in my appetite, and insomnia.
He even tested for the tremors himself, and my hands were pretty shaky by then, so.

And then I mentioned I was having trouble sleeping flat at night, but I thought it was my sinusitis and could he give me any medication for that while he was at it?

"You cannot sleep flat?? Those are obstructive symptoms already!"

W.h.a.t.

"You need to see a surgeon"

WHAT. WHY.

"I think need to cut la"  -  (okay, for aspiring doctors reading this blog - never EVER tell your patients things like I think need to CUT la unless you want to cause a heart attack)

And I'm like "Can't you treat it medically or something?"

[Note : When put in the position of being a patient and being faced with the possibility of surgery, it is completely possible that 4+ years of medical knowledge will just fly out of your head and you're reduced to asking about things that you should already know]

So he goes "No, I need to refer you to a surgeon. I think they need to operate quite soon"

Holy shit.

And then I couldn't decide whether I wanted to go to a government or a private hospital,
so he decided to write me an open referral letter.

And then "Do you want me to refer you to an endocrine surgeon, or a general surgeon?"

I don't know.

"If endocrine surgeon then you might have to listen to a bit of scolding la"

Excuse me?

"Aiya, you know these surgeons. For them thyroid nodule is small thing, if we all refer simple cases to them then they'll have too much work also right? I think general surgeon oso enough la"

Okay.

"Okay"

Then there are a few awkward moments where we just stare at each other.

And then I'm like

"Well, aren't you going to do a blood test or something first, just to make sure?"

"If you're going to a surgeon, then they'll do a blood test too, so you might as well do it one shot there la"

This is odd. But. Okay.

And then he emphasizes that I have to go see whichever surgeon ASAP because "what if your obstructive symptoms become worse??"

So I go back home and tell my parents, 

and then we decide we'll go to SJMC (or SDMC now) the very next morning.

And then I spend a whole night completely freaking out and going through every possible worst case scenario I can think of in my head, the worst being cancer (yes yes I know I'm a drama queen).

And then spend hours trying to palpate my own neck.
(and of course now everything feels abnormal)
And fuck, really, being diagnosed with having a solitary thyroid nodule the day after your 22nd birthday is just NOT. COOL. okay.

And then I freak out more about having a surgery because honestly, after doing Anesthesiology, I never EVER want to have a surgery in my life. EVER.

So anyway.

Didn't sleep at all that night, 

and then the next morning we went to SDMC, 

and after an insanely long wait for the stupid receptionist to start her work...

"Sorry ma'am, we open at 8.30. Yes, we're all here, but it's 8.28. We only start at 8.30. We're waiting for the time"

...to be fair, she started at 8.30 sharp, but wtf okay.

The doctor was one of those old-school grouchy surgeons (although he become considerably nicer once I mentioned I was a medical student)

He examined my neck.

"Eh girl, there's nothing wrong with you la"

What?

"No goitre la. Which doctor did you go to?"

So I tell him, leaving out the part about IMU, because I'm from IMU and if that doctor could be so horribly wrong I don't want to associate myself with  him.

So Mr Surgeon checks again anyway.

"Nope. Definitely nothing wrong with you"

But my pulse is 130 beats per minute. Probably because of nervousness and lack of sleep.
And my hands are not shaking.

But he sends me for an ultrasound and a blood test anyway (and shares in my wtf-ish-ness that the previous doctor hadn't bothered with a blood test)

The blood test was horrible.

It was one of the junior staff members taking the blood, and there was a senior staff member hovering around to supervise..

and when the junior fellow can't find my vein, the senior finds it for him and points it out, 

after which, the junior proceeds to promptly insert the needle in the other fucking direction.

AND THEN.

decides to pull it out just a little bit, and turn.

A few times.

Fucking hell.

Of course he doesn't find the vein after 3 torturous minutes in which I've plotted his death a few times in my head, so the senior takes over and draws blood from my other hand, in less than a minute thankfully.

And then, ultrasound.

During which the doctor proceeds to tell me "your gland is normal. No enlargment, no nodules. You're perfectly fine"

And then I go back up to Mr Surgeon who laughs, shakes his head and tells me to never go back to "that idiot doctor who doesn't know what he's doing".

By this time I'm both incredibly relieved and horribly embarrassed that I'd wasted all these people's time when there was absolutely nothing wrong with me.

But then again, I didn't know there was nothing wrong with me, thanks to that stupid doctor who decided I had a fucking solitary thyroid nodule.

Bitch. (he's a guy, but wtv)

Haven't gotten my blood test results back yet, but I'd be willing to bet my first-born child that it'll come back normal.

-_-

But yes.

Not the first time this has happened either.

If you want to read my other thyroid story (from 2 years ago) :  http://3bananas4u.blogspot.com/2010/11/hyperthyroidism.html
and http://3bananas4u.blogspot.com/2010/11/results.html

I swear, 

the next time someone decides to mention that I may have a thyroid problem, 

I'll smack them upside the head.

(I'm sorry this post wasn't funny. I've been writing endless formal reports and I'm currently being very depressed at the fact that my life is going nowhere)




~vid~

Happy Birthday!

OMG IT'S VIDYA'S BIRTHDAY! 

And you know what that means...

and...

So, HAPPY BIRTHDAY VID! :D

And.....I'm too lazy to think of something to write so here's a picture of Harvey.

And another one cause it reminded me of blue shit.

My wish for you this year:

You're like, super old now! But don't worry,

Just in case you're wondering why I wrote this post,

And if ever you feel sad, depressed or emo, just remember

Btw, here's something you should know:

So once again, 

Happy Birthday!.....and here's a pic of 2 rabbits in a cup :3

- J Me - 

In real life.

"In real life boys, don't come running back to you in the middle of the night sneaking through the window. They just leave and never say another word to you ever again".

In real life, boys don't come back to you and say they're sorry, so sorry, I never meant to leave you for her, please take me back, no matter how many times you play it out in your head.

In real life, you don't get closure.
In real life, you sometimes make stupid decisions and seek comfort wherever you can, and end up hurting people, some of whom you really care about, some of whom walk away and never come  back because they need to save themselves from you.

In real life, rebounds end in real heartbreak. Real guilt.

In real life, you build walls so high to keep yourself from making stupid decisions again, and as the years pass you realize you've forgotten how to let people in anymore.

In real life there isn't an unnoticed best friend waiting for you to get over your douchebag boyfriend and notice him instead.

In real life, there isn't a Prince Charming around the corner, waiting to save you from yourself.

In real life, sometimes, you just have to suck it up and move the fuck on.

For what is life if you spend it entirely dependent on someone?
What is happiness if you will only allow a boy to define it for you?

~vid~

October

5 minutes into October. (well, 35 minutes now, considering I forgot about this blog post and left it unpublished for half an hour)

Well.
Damn.

Also, confession : I hate birthdays. I just. I really don't like them okay.

We'll leave it at that.


Someday I'll finally slip out of this funk and re-learn how to blog properly. Someday. Not today.
Because today is the day that I rush through last-minute work that I procrastinated the whole weekend.
Which, in this case, happens to be ethical issues related to children with hearing and speech impairments.

So fun!

Wouldn't you all want to trade assignments with me?


~vid~