Arranged Marriages

I don't have anything against arranged marriages.
I really don't.
I just would not want to be a part of one.

Sure, it would save us a lot of time and trouble, not having to look for "the one".
No courtships, breakups and all that nonsense.

But where's the fun in that? 
Isn't that what relationships are supposed to be about?
Building a lasting bond between a couple.
Making them go through the ups and downs of life, together, 
So that they treasure the bond, the connection that they share.
So that they know that they can't live without the other; that even if they can't be together physically, they are never apart mentally,
So that they know that they have found "the one", and not just any other one, but "the RIGHT one".

But imagine if you were told one day, that your parents have found "the one" for you.
How sure can you be that that person would be "the RIGHT one" for you?
You might have similar religions, cultures, reputations, horoscopes even, but somehow the connection, the trust, the comforting familiarity and the LOVE isn't there.

Of course, love can be fostered over time.
Some arranged marriages do end up with a happily ever after, if I do say so myself. 
But will it ever be as strong as love that has persevered through thick and thin?
That has been beaten, broken and torn apart only to be brought back together again, stronger than ever?
Maybe. Who am I to say it won't?

But at the end of the day, you'll feel like the choice wasn't your own, but somebody else's, be it your parents, grandparents or guardian. 
You've already let them dictate the majority of your life choices: the type of friends you should hang out with, how you should behave, what career path you should follow... Are you going to let them decide who you should marry as well?

Maybe the beauty of arranged marriages is that you won't have to bear the consequences of your actions. At the end of the day, if your marriage doesn't work out (as do many marriages these days), you are not to be blamed. After all, you didn't choose who to marry. So easy to shift the blame to someone else.

But someday, after a long, hard day at work, when you come home to find some affection or solace in your spouse's arms only to end up quarreling or bickering with them over some petty matter, you might sit down and think: Did my parents make the right choice? What if I had made the choice myself? Would I entrust my whole life, my happiness, and my heart to this very person?
You'll find that sometimes, the answer is no. 

---

Not sure if any of that made any sense.
Typed the whole thing while 50% sleepy and 45% groggy from the lack of sleep.
The remaining 5% is just my usual blurness.
Vidya chose the topic for me, so if you don't like it, blame her.
*Like I said, easy to put the blame on someone else, eh?

But in all seriousness, arranged marriages have been a big part of my life and is something that I truly care about.
Okay, I lied.
I just made that up to create some dramatic suspense.
Hah!

^ Watch this. Awesome show!

Once again, I am not at all opposed to the idea of arranged marriages.
I know that some of them really do turn out well.
**I do not know that for a fact, I'm just assuming that they do.
Fate does present itself in the most miraculous ways.
And I respect that they are still a part of certain religions or cultures.
I just would not want my marriage to be an arranged one.
But fast forward 20 years and if I'm still single - I might have a different perspective then. ;)
Actually, come to think of it, I would still prefer remaining single than having to resort to arranged marriages.
To me, if the time is right, he will come.
And if it's not, too bad. Don't have to be all sad and desperate about it.
You don't have to be married to live a happy life.
Now if only I could convince my relatives to feel the same way...

***On a completely unrelated note, Happy Chinese New Year to all the Chinese readers out there! :D

- J Me -

Of Panic Attacks

Actually full-on freaking out now.

Just realized I have wasted 3 whole weeks in which I could have been studying.
THREE weeks.
Shit.

I actually don't know what I've been doing with myself these past few weeks, to be honest.
There are significant gaps in my memory.
:|

And now I have just 7 days in which to study everything under the sun (in medicine) AND read through my portfolios again!
ugh.
Should have at least read through them portfolios sooner.

Should have, should have. 
My whole life is a really long list of should haves.


Nervous as hell now.
If I open a textbook and skim through, its like I already know everything, 
but once I close it - ask me anything, and I wouldn't know the answer.

And holy crap having to face 6 examiners on the day itself!
I am going to dieeeee.
Or make a fool of myself.
...both, probably.


7 more days.
I don't want the exams to come at all, 
and yet I can't wait to be done with it! 
Hopefully I do pass. :/



Haven't even unpacked any of my things yet - just been feeling really unsettled the past three weeks.
Like I'm not sure whether I should set down roots in my own house yet or not.
Leaving everything for after exams.
(at the rate I'm going, I'll be leaving the studying for after exams too)


And it looks like you'll be right, Michelle. I probably won't get my holiday. :(


Pray for me, my dears.
Pray that somehow, within the next one week, I find that motivation to actually sit and study!




What am I doing with my life?



~vid~

Val Day Post

So does anybody else think that writing "Happy V Day!" makes it look like you're wishing people Happy Vagina Day?
No?
Just me then.


First time in five years that I've not wanted to write anything on this blog for Valentine's Day.
But for the sake of tradition..


I think I've mentioned this before - I've never actually had a date on Valentine's Day.
I've had flowers, cards, and one particularly memorable time - grape jam (of all things) ...but never actually a date. 
Despite the boyfriends, I've actually managed to be single on Valentine's Day every year.
Congratulations to me.

It's reached this point where it's beginning to get really fucking depressing.






And there's this huge rain cloud looming over my head, dampening my happiness about everything : Exams.
ugh.
Haven't touched any of my notes these past three weeks, what with people constantly visiting to offer condolences and all.

 

I hope I pass.

I am so sick of medschool.




Roar.
Depressing post.




But Happy Valentine's Day, you lot reading this.
I love you all.











~vid~

The Emperor Syndrome

Remember how I said I was watching a daily hindi soap?

And remember how I'm always whining about how lazy my brother is, and how he gets treated like a king?

Came across this one scene in that soap that made me laugh.
It's crazy how accurately they depict how Indian mothers treat their sons.


Its in hindi so I'm just going to give you a gist of what's happening :
Basically the girl in blue is staying over at her relatives' house (the other two women in the video) and they're watching this old B&W movie about some Emperor, 
and the girl says something along the lines of  

"What kind of life must the Emperor have had, my God. Must be so nice to have people wait on you like that! But who gets treated like that nowadays?" (not verbatim, just a gist)

...and then her relatives' son comes home, and well....you've gotta see it.




(watch until 1.04  - the rest of it is just stuff related to the drama)


 

I swear to God and all that is sacred, that my mother does EXACTLY what the mother in this scene does.
Right down to wiping the glass down before handing it to him.

And then I decided to play the video for my mother, 
and she actually laughs out loud and goes
"Eh! But I do this for your brother too!"

EXACTLY MY POINT.

And then she says "I treat you like this too" - pause - "actually no, not really"

Yes. No, not really, You do not treat me the way you treat your son. 
-_-



And then my brother comes home right at that moment, 

and I'm still grumbling to my mother about how she doesn't love me as much as she loves her son, 

..and while I'm grumbling, I'm holding out my hand for my brother's dirty socks so I can put them in the laundry bin, 
and then I wash my hands and take out cake from the fridge and cut him a piece, 
and then pour iced water for him, 
and set it all down in front of him and ask him if he wants anything else, 

...and when I'm done, my mother's just sitting there smirking at me.

AND THEN I REALIZE I JUST DID IT TOO.
ON AUTOPILOT.

UGH.



Indian men really do get treated like they're Emperors of the World.
My brother does, anyway.
So does my dad, but he's forgiven because he's my father.

                              

Roar.




~vid~


 p.s. Isn't the guy really cute? I'm in love.

Growing Up

Originally planned to write this much much earlier (as usual) - I've had a couple of thoughts buzzing round in my head that I've wanted to get down, 
but just never found time for it until now.

...which really is a ridiculous excuse because I've just been whiling my days away sleeping, eating, and listening to depressing music.
And watching a daily hindi soap ...but I'll leave that for another post.


So.
This post is to try and inject some normalcy back into this blog after all the sadness of the past two weeks.

Two weeks to the day.
Two weeks since my whole world came crashing down.

But I'll talk about that when I'm ready to talk about it.
Today I'll just start typing and see where I end up eh?
(most of my posts are written that way, in case you didn't already know)



Went back to Seremban on Monday (okay so I haven't been totally doing nothing with my life)
and oh my goddd the hospital is overrun with juniors!
So many of them!
And they all look so young and fresh-faced and... I suppose I looked like that 2.5 years ago.

Went and hunted for pictures on facebook for proof - I did look younger.
Happier.
And this was in 2010, when I'd already considered myself bitter and jaded after just 2.5 years of theory. 

Also went to Bukit Jalil last week.

That was even worse.
The juniors there look like school kids to me now!

All so young and carefree - their worst worries (this was proclaimed very loudly for all to hear in the library cafe) are how to do general examinations for their upcoming OSCE exams.
General examinations.
Something that I now take for granted.

And yet, there was a point in time when I was just like them.
There was a point in time where I didn't know even a tenth of the things I take for granted now.

...and then I realized how absolutely difficult it must be for someone to teach medicine.

(this probably applies to everything, but I'm just going to mention medicine okay so)

I mean, 
if I were to have to teach a Semester 1 student right now, 
I'd probably fly off the handle with impatience.


Imagine having all this knowledge that you accept as "basic" and "everyone should know this! how can you not?" and then having to face a bunch of bright-eyed, bushy-tailed students who know next to nothing about the subject.
They don't know the "basics". 
They don't know what "everyone should know already".
Because they're new. 

How much patience must our lecturers have, to deal with batch after batch of clueless students every year?

My respect for our doctors has increased immensely.
Sure, sometimes they're mean and cynical and make you feel worthless, 
but then they're human too.
Imagine the frustration when a student still doesn't know something they've accepted as common knowledge, and then they have to go through everything from the beginning all over again just to make them understand.
And then rinse and repeat for every new group of students.

That must take an incredible amount of patience and dedication.



Which brings me to another topic, 
IMU's Peer to Peer Teaching (?) Project Thingamajiggy.
(It has a proper name, I'm just too lazy to go check my email for it right now)

I would like to join.
I would like to at least be able to tell the juniors what to expect in clinical school, 

but...

(no wait this is a big but)

BUT...

I also really really really want a holiday.
Preferably somewhere out of the country.

After 5 years, I think I've deserved it.

I just need to get away from this place, 
from medicine, 
for just a little while before I come back and settle down to working life.



Somehow I have a feeling this is not where I wanted this post to go at all.
Oh well.


I've been feeling very old lately.
Like I've got the weight of the world sitting on my shoulders.

...although that could just be the weight of denial.
I'm currently still pretending I don't have my final exam in 3 weeks.

I really should be studying, 
or at least going through my portfolios, 
but I just can't.

I have no energy left.


I seem to have no energy left for anything at all nowadays.



Went through some of my old posts from last year, from the year before...

I used to be funnier (at least I think I used to be funnier), 
probably because I was more carefree.
Actually physically cringed at some of the things I wrote though.
But I wouldn't delete any of it because this blog, inadvertently, has chronicled my entire life through medschool (and a bit before).
Probably very little medical-related stuff on here, but if you've been following this blog from the beginning, 
you would have watched me struggle through each semester.
You'd have watched me make the most epic mistakes, 
embarrass myself countless times, 
rant about things only to regret it later.
You'd have watched me change obsessions a million times.
 
You'd have watch me grow up.

I even type differently now.
Proper capitals, proper sentence structure, less smileys all over the place, less colloquialisms even.
(I've grown old and boring)

And I suppose if I continue this blog, 
you'd watch me continue to grow.

And two years from now, 
I'll probably look back on everything I wrote this year, 
and cringe again for sounding so immature.

...and that is how I'll know I've grown even more.





5 years of my life I've given to medschool.
I've screwed up so many times. 
I still do.
And yet, here I am, right at the finishing line, 
trying to motivate myself to provide the final push I need to step over and be free.



Where did I start, and where have I ended up?

Gah. (colloquialism! I haven't given them all up yet)

Goodnight my lovelies.






My head's a deep, dark, scary mess right now, can you tell?




~vid~

.

 
We all carry these things inside that no one else can see
They hold us down like anchors
They drown us out at sea



I just realized I'm probably being annoyingly cryptic.

And there are some of you who really do care.



My uncle passed away last week.
He was someone I was rather close to.

I still haven't come to terms with it yet. Not properly. 




But thank you, you lot who have been actually worried for me.
Thank you for caring. 

:3


~vid~