Growing Up

Originally planned to write this much much earlier (as usual) - I've had a couple of thoughts buzzing round in my head that I've wanted to get down, 
but just never found time for it until now.

...which really is a ridiculous excuse because I've just been whiling my days away sleeping, eating, and listening to depressing music.
And watching a daily hindi soap ...but I'll leave that for another post.


So.
This post is to try and inject some normalcy back into this blog after all the sadness of the past two weeks.

Two weeks to the day.
Two weeks since my whole world came crashing down.

But I'll talk about that when I'm ready to talk about it.
Today I'll just start typing and see where I end up eh?
(most of my posts are written that way, in case you didn't already know)



Went back to Seremban on Monday (okay so I haven't been totally doing nothing with my life)
and oh my goddd the hospital is overrun with juniors!
So many of them!
And they all look so young and fresh-faced and... I suppose I looked like that 2.5 years ago.

Went and hunted for pictures on facebook for proof - I did look younger.
Happier.
And this was in 2010, when I'd already considered myself bitter and jaded after just 2.5 years of theory. 

Also went to Bukit Jalil last week.

That was even worse.
The juniors there look like school kids to me now!

All so young and carefree - their worst worries (this was proclaimed very loudly for all to hear in the library cafe) are how to do general examinations for their upcoming OSCE exams.
General examinations.
Something that I now take for granted.

And yet, there was a point in time when I was just like them.
There was a point in time where I didn't know even a tenth of the things I take for granted now.

...and then I realized how absolutely difficult it must be for someone to teach medicine.

(this probably applies to everything, but I'm just going to mention medicine okay so)

I mean, 
if I were to have to teach a Semester 1 student right now, 
I'd probably fly off the handle with impatience.


Imagine having all this knowledge that you accept as "basic" and "everyone should know this! how can you not?" and then having to face a bunch of bright-eyed, bushy-tailed students who know next to nothing about the subject.
They don't know the "basics". 
They don't know what "everyone should know already".
Because they're new. 

How much patience must our lecturers have, to deal with batch after batch of clueless students every year?

My respect for our doctors has increased immensely.
Sure, sometimes they're mean and cynical and make you feel worthless, 
but then they're human too.
Imagine the frustration when a student still doesn't know something they've accepted as common knowledge, and then they have to go through everything from the beginning all over again just to make them understand.
And then rinse and repeat for every new group of students.

That must take an incredible amount of patience and dedication.



Which brings me to another topic, 
IMU's Peer to Peer Teaching (?) Project Thingamajiggy.
(It has a proper name, I'm just too lazy to go check my email for it right now)

I would like to join.
I would like to at least be able to tell the juniors what to expect in clinical school, 

but...

(no wait this is a big but)

BUT...

I also really really really want a holiday.
Preferably somewhere out of the country.

After 5 years, I think I've deserved it.

I just need to get away from this place, 
from medicine, 
for just a little while before I come back and settle down to working life.



Somehow I have a feeling this is not where I wanted this post to go at all.
Oh well.


I've been feeling very old lately.
Like I've got the weight of the world sitting on my shoulders.

...although that could just be the weight of denial.
I'm currently still pretending I don't have my final exam in 3 weeks.

I really should be studying, 
or at least going through my portfolios, 
but I just can't.

I have no energy left.


I seem to have no energy left for anything at all nowadays.



Went through some of my old posts from last year, from the year before...

I used to be funnier (at least I think I used to be funnier), 
probably because I was more carefree.
Actually physically cringed at some of the things I wrote though.
But I wouldn't delete any of it because this blog, inadvertently, has chronicled my entire life through medschool (and a bit before).
Probably very little medical-related stuff on here, but if you've been following this blog from the beginning, 
you would have watched me struggle through each semester.
You'd have watched me make the most epic mistakes, 
embarrass myself countless times, 
rant about things only to regret it later.
You'd have watched me change obsessions a million times.
 
You'd have watch me grow up.

I even type differently now.
Proper capitals, proper sentence structure, less smileys all over the place, less colloquialisms even.
(I've grown old and boring)

And I suppose if I continue this blog, 
you'd watch me continue to grow.

And two years from now, 
I'll probably look back on everything I wrote this year, 
and cringe again for sounding so immature.

...and that is how I'll know I've grown even more.





5 years of my life I've given to medschool.
I've screwed up so many times. 
I still do.
And yet, here I am, right at the finishing line, 
trying to motivate myself to provide the final push I need to step over and be free.



Where did I start, and where have I ended up?

Gah. (colloquialism! I haven't given them all up yet)

Goodnight my lovelies.






My head's a deep, dark, scary mess right now, can you tell?




~vid~