Rage

The force of my temper surprises me sometimes.

Its the little things -always the little things- that set me off.

And its not a slow, bubbling anger that takes time to reach its peak;
its more of a sudden crashing wave of madness that takes over my entire being.
The kind of anger that makes you want to lash out and hurt something.
To create some sort of violence just for the sake of appeasing the demon that suddenly burst out of its cage.

Seeing red.
That's what it's called isn't it?




The only reason I attempt to practise self-control now is because the last time I lost it,
I kicked my cupboard and broke the door.

And my mother refused to replace it because it was my fault and I'd have to live with the consequences of losing my temper so violently.
Not much fun living with broken furniture once your anger dies off.






~vid~

I hate assignments

So I was supposed to finally start on my case summary/report today,
so that I could tie up all the loose ends tomorrow.

No wait.
I was supposed to start them yesterday,
and finish them today.
Today being Sunday and all.


*bangs forehead on desk...repeatedly*


Actually sat in front of my laptop at 11pm,
and now its 3.15am, and all I've done so far is read fanfiction.
I don't even have MS Word open yet.

Dammit.



Bearing in mind that I had Thursday off, and Friday was a holiday.




I have serious issues with procrastination.




Hate the Ortho timetable.
Who the fuck puts a CP, Seminar AND TBL on the first day of the bloody posting?





In other news,
sometime in the past week Dato' Siva decided I looked like a lecturer and admonished me on my manners.
I had no idea if the lecturer jibe was a compliment or not, so how on earth would I know I was meant to thank him for it?

Gah.
Does anyone else have weird run-ins with him like this?





~vid~

Game of Thrones

The series which gives in to my love of made-up fantasy worlds and period drama.

I could do without the nudity,
but it isn't vulgar enough to detract from the storyline, thankfully.

Didn't think I'd get so addicted to it though, only started watching because it was 10 episodes long,
but I've been pushing aside all my work just to keep watching.

Watched 4 episodes on Tuesday itself! (which was when I started watching it)

Finally finished watching the last episode today and cried through most of it.



Thankfully they've already started filming the second season.

It would be awfully weird watching a Game of Thrones without Sean Bean (I think his character has to be my favourite) and without that guy who plays Kahl Drogo.
:(
And (this series is based on George Martin's A Song of Ice and Fire btw) I went to look up the books on Wikipedia, and the synopsis for the first book implies that Robb Stark might die too!
NOOOO.
WHY DOES HE KEEP KILLING OFF THE STARK FAMILY! I LOVE THEM! HE CAN'T KILL ALL OF THEM OFF! :'(

Gotta start reading the books though.


Not sure if its a good idea to do both...read the books and watch the series,
but I've heard no complaints so far from anyone else who's done the same.
Although they do say the book is full of sex. ....But its a good story!
Maybe I'll buy the first book and read that first before jumping right into buying all 5 books one shot.






I freaking love this series.
New season had better come out soon.

And now I'm going to cry some more for Ned Stark.
I'm still upset that they killed him.
And the Kahl.
Such a rubbish plot! They kill off all the good people!

Still love it though.




On another note, saw Shanghai Knights again today,
and I was wondering why on earth the guy who plays Lord Rathbone looks so freaking familiar, and then I realised he plays Lord Baelish in GoT!
Whaaaaaaat.
Handsomer in GoT though.




yep.




brb going into mourning for all the dead characters and the fact that I've finished the first season ok bye.





~vid~




p.s. HOW DID I NOT LOVE SEAN BEAN IN LoTR!? oh yeah. He's the traitor. oops.

Percy Jackson #2

Logan Lerman is the cutest, most adorable thing to exist since golden retriever puppies omg.
HOW IS HE SO ADORABLE.

AND WHY. WHY. WHYYYYYY. MUST HE BE YOUNGER THAN ME.

WHY.

THIS IS SO UNCOOL.




I actually liked the movie,
was considering starting to read the books, but apparently the movie didn't stay true to the books, and so they're not making a second movie.

a) WHY ARE THEY NOT MAKING A SECOND MOVIE HES SO CUTE AS PERCY JACKSON.

b) If they're too far off from the books, then I'd rather not read them.





It actually is awfully frustrating when movies don't follow the books, especially if the movie is taken quite well,
because then you'd love the books,
and you'd hate the movie because it didn't stick to the details, but you'd love the movie for being good, and then you'd just be torn between the two.

Seriously.

Like the Harry Potter movies were pretty awesome,

but it will forever annoy me that Peeves never made an appearance,
and that Voldemort is alot less evil than hes supposed to be,
and that Michael Gambon is such a horrible Dumbledore,
and that the Centaurs really look quite awful,
and Umbridge is far too pretty to look toad-like,

and.
yeah.
The list could go on a bit more.




This is also why I would totally die if they made a movie version of Artemis Fowl.







On a different note,
we have a seminar this Tuesday, so I told my groupmates to send in their slides latest by Monday afternoon...


...which normally means that they'd send it in by Monday night.


Normally.

This time, two of them have already sent me their slides and I'm not even started on my own.

I'm not used to having such efficient group mates.
:O




yesh.


I'm going to go dream of Logan Lerman now.

Oh my god I'm developing pedophilic tendencies.




~vid~

Percy Jackson #1

Recording Percy Jackson so I can watch it laterrrrr~

The whole PVR thing on Astro is pretty damn cool.
8) <--- for those of you who have forgotten, this is my cool smiley.

8)


Watched about 10 minutes of Percy Jackson while waiting for Bolton-MU to start...I think I finally understand the hype about Logan Lerman.

SO ADORBZ.

Plus his voice is all deep and macho, as opposed to awfully high-pitched (which was how I always thought it would sound).
yesh.

Although I saw Pierce Brosnan in it.
ew.
Me no likey Pierce Brosnan kthx.





raaaaaaaawr.


WHY DOES US OPEN HAVE TO BE AT THE SAME TIME AS FOOTBALL.
GAH.

At least it rained during the first half.

Stupid tennis.








~vid~

Midnight revelations

Yet another post.

Bear with me, I'm trying to get all this emo/depressive crap out of my system tonight.




Just occurred to me that through all these years, I'm still waiting for someone to apologise for the hurt they caused me in school all those years ago.
It might have seemed trivial to them,
but it affected me so much in a way that I cannot explain.
And come a few more years, it will have been a decade that I have been waiting for that apology.

I have forgiven, and I am willing to be friends with that person,
but there is some part of my soul that will forever be in turmoil until I hear a sincere "sorry" or at least an acknowledgment that they made my life a living hell.


But just how many people do you need to apologise to, Vidya?




I must have racked up a nice long list in the past one year.





Ugly.

That's what I feel like.

I feel ugly. Emotionally.

Like I've become this horrid, twisted thing that only knows how to hurt and cause hurt.

And I don't like it one bit.




Do they have makeovers for souls?

Mine needs a thorough cleansing.




~vid~

OBAH/NP

Like a little boat out at sea,
without a motor, without oars.


For as long as I can remember I've wanted to write.

I actually have lots of stories, but somehow when I sit in front of my laptop I can't seem to work up the energy to type them all out.
It seems much easier to sit here and wallow in self-pity.

And so the depressive cycle starts again.




I can either go with the flow and wait for it to die off eventually,
or I can go do something about it.

I need to run it off.

I need my life back.





Operation Be A Nicer/Happier Person starts tonight.
This blog is my witness.




Went through my documents folder, found so many old excerpts of unfinished stories.
I need to start writing again.
It made me a happier person.



There are so many things I'm unsatisfied with.

I'm not happy with my results.
I'm not happy with that nagging feeling of incompetence that just doesn't go away.

I'm not happy with who I'm becoming.

Someone accused me recently of causing them emotional hurt.
Part of me wanted to scoff and discard the whole issue, and I'm afraid that part was in dominance while replying to aforesaid person,
but another part was deeply upset by it.

I'm not trying to be Little Miss Sunshine,
and as unjust as I find that accusation to be, it hurts me that someone would hold me responsible for their own misery.

I've become so much of a bitch nowadays that it doesn't occur to me to stop and think about whether anyone would be seriously hurt over anything I say.

This is not who I am.
This is NOT who I want to be.

The only consolation is that there still was that small part of me that was upset about it...maybe not all hope is lost.



There was a time when I used to make an effort to be nice to people,
when I used to make an effort to dress nicely,
when I used to make an effort at life.

I can't be living my life in this state of limbo like this.

Its self-destructive.





We start tonight.




~vid~

Clarity

And with every day that passes, it becomes increasingly clear that I'm in the wrong field.

I'm not cut out for this.

Its like being pulled apart at the seams.





Sometimes I don't think I have enough sanity left to make it through.




~vid~

Change

I have changed so much.

There are times when I desperately want to claw my way back into the past and find the girl whom I used to be and bring her back.
And there are times where I just want to curl up into a ball and fast forward the next few years just to see if this personality change is permanent or if I'll go back to who I used to be after medical school is over.

I have such a short hold on my temper, and completely no motivation, no interest in anything at all.
Its so easy to be The Bitch nowadays.


I'm not proud of it, but I seem to have forgotten how to be nice.
Or happy.


I seem to have forgotten how to be me.





~vid~

Shall I tell you a secret?

I'm completely unprepared for when he turns around and whacks me on the shoulder with a sheaf of paper.

"And look at this girl...completely no confidence in herself!"

Then he turns to look directly at me.

"You are good. You know your work, and you're good at it. And it's time you yourself believed that. You are good at what you do, okay?"






After everything. After every single thing you put me through last semester.

I wanted to cry.





Shall I tell you a secret?

Despite everything, I secretly like you best, if only because you were the only one who bothered to really push me to my limits.





~vid~