My Thoughts.

ive given up wondering if anyone actually reads my blog.
and im beginning to think that if no one reads this, then i wouldnt have to be careful about what i say.
i feel the need to rant randomly.
and so i shall.
if you think i'm weird...err, thats because i AM. live with it.

if anyone had told me, beginning of last year tat i would become an active blogger, i would have laughed them into oblivion.
seriously. i thought blogs were dumb. but then again, the only blogs that i did read happened to belong to bimbos who only knew how to critizise every other living being on the planet.
and then yeah, i started reading Michelle's blog and Bay's blog, and then i figured, maybe blogs weren't that bad after all.
so i tried it out. failed miserably. cos i started out doing wat most people do. you know, talk about my day, wat i ate, who i saw, bla bla bla. boring.
i duno if anyone else was interested in it, but i wasnt. i bored myself to death writing all that stuff.
i still do it sometimes, to try and inject some normalcy into this whole thing.

but im fed up.
im going to be as crazy as i like, and it doesnt really matter if everyone abandons this blog. duno why. cos half the time im not writing this for anyone else. im writing it for myself.
and i dont care if it makes sense or not, cos Life doesnt make sense.
the World doesnt make sense.
Nothing makes sense.
and im sick of pretending to be normal.
newsflash : I'm NOT.

wanna know stuff about me, that i havent yet told anyone?

1. i talk to my teddy bears. they have names, and characters, and i talk to them. sue me.

2. i fall in love with characters in storybooks. like, for real. and then i get all upset when it hits me that they DONT exist.

3. im a hopeless romantic. i believe in fairytales, and then i dont, and then i do...its a confusing process really. i dont believe in love. and yet i search for it desperately.

4. im helplessly confused. i have no idea what any of this is all about. i mean, the whole education, growing up, getting a job, getting married, having kids, bla bla bla, and then...you die. ooo-kayyyy. yeah, i can totally see the purpose of it all.

5. i dont make sense half of the time. i can just say stuff and sound really convincing, but most of the time it's all bullsh*t, and it amazes me that people buy that rubbish. it amazes me even more that I can come up with tat stuff.

6. i dont find myself funny at all. so i dont get why people do. it scares me. and i'll suddenly feel this inexplicable need to be funnier. and i dont want to be.

7. i hate cats with yellow eyes. i even hate kittens with yellow eyes. theyre freaky, and i dont like looking at them. i like it even less when they look at me.

8. i am dead scared of wolves. they were my hugest fear. i didnt have monsters under my bed, i had wolves. and the only way i could make them go away, was to hug Pinkie. and way back then, if i didnt have Pinkie, i couldnt sleep, cos Pinkie kept the wolves away.

9. i used to like playing with cockroaches, til i found out they could fly.

10. i hate insects because im scared of them. i shall not pretend. i AM scared of them. and i WILL scream if you throw a dead insect at me.

11. i'm afraid of dying. because i dont know what comes after. what happens to someone after they die? do you just disappear? or get reborn? or WHAT?? its a fear that nags at me at the most inopportune moments : what happens to the "I" after i die?

12. the reason i know i will never commit suicide, is because i tried it once before. and obviously it didn't work.

13. i dont like being morbid. im happy-go-lucky. just occasionally i think too much and develop my own quirky ideas of life, which shock everyone i share them with. including my parents. so i stopped. sharing my ideas.

14. i can live without my tv. i could live without my computer before i had a blog.

15. i cannot live without music. i sing to myself if its completely silent. and there's always a song playing in my head. especially when im in an exam hall.

16. i hate absolute silence. it scares me. im worried people can hear me think, and i dont want them to.

17. there are just times when i dont feel like smiling. and i get extremely irritated when people tell me to smile. i dont get why i should smile for no reason.

18. i have major mood swings. i just pretend i dont, cos its easier to get along with people that way.

19. i can start crying for absolutely no reason. the only thing i CANNOT cry over is guys. even if i try. i cant even sob without tears or anything. and sometimes it sucks, cos if i could cry over them, then maybe some of the hurt would go away.

20. i have had my heart broken more than once. mostly by myself. you can break your own heart, you know. its just easier to say someone else did it.

21. i talk to myself when i do maths. and more than once, people have started staring at me during exams, and ive had to kick myself and shut up.

22. im not smart or clever or hardworking or anything. i was just born lucky. and i can pretty much get away with everything...if i want to. most of the time i dont see the point in bothering.

23. im a very dont-carish person. i couldnt give a damn what happens in the world. i dont read newspapers. cos its the same old story all over again. and i dont see the fun in reading about who died, or who got killed, or which politician got busted.
tats not news, tats gossip presented professionally.

24. im not religious at all. i absolutely dislike going to the temple. i mean, sometimes, yes, i do want to go. but i dont like having people stare at you, and having the priest say prayers for you and all that. its distracting. and wholly unspiritual.

25. i like talking to God. like, have a conversation with God. tell Him about my day, tell Him my hopes, n stuff. and the best part about being brought up Hindu, is that when im most in need, i can imagine God to be a father, or a mother, or anything at all. because one of the principles of Hinduism is : "believe what you want to". and that rocks.

i'm one very very complicated person. and i have yet to meet one single person who knows and understands everything about me. and that includes my parents.
but thats okay.
im not misunderstood.
im just not understood fully.
and those are two very different things.

~vid~