Confessions of a broken heart

I feel like I have to type this.
And yet I have no idea what to type.
I cried just now.
No particular reason.
Just felt good to be able to let the tears wash my pain away.

It makes me jealous that some people are able to just let it all out.
Let all emotions fly in front of everybody.
Swear words and all.
Whereas I can only keep everything bottled inside.
Confined to my own little coconut shell.
Putting on a strong face for everyone to see.
Letting no one see the pain inside.
It's an unhealthy habit.
But maybe its just the need to protect myself from the cruel world surrounding me.

It makes me angry, to see some people fail to realise how lucky they are.
To see people with perfect brothers who buy them presents for their birthday,
who takes care of them even though it might not show all of the time,
who actually have a sense of love for their younger siblings,
and yet their siblings complain about favouritism.
whereas I'm stuck with the brother from hell,
one who hits me and tortures me,
one who has never said a nice word to me,
one who is selfish and greedy.
Words can't describe the jealousy I feel when I see brothers who take care of their younger siblings, instead of the other way around.
I assure you,
I will tolerate any amount of favouritism my parents throw at my brother if I can have one who can protect me, one who loves me.

It makes me upset to see people refuse to study,
when there are people dying to go into university.
People who study day and night to fight for a place in U.
Who would do anything just to enter U.

It makes me confused, to see someone claim that they don't care what everyone thinks about them.
That the world can say whatever they want.
And yet knowing very well that they do care.
Very very much.

It makes me unhappy that some people can actually complain about being late for one day,
when I have to wait for my brother every morning,
because we have to go to school together.
Always arriving in the nick of time.
Seconds before the gate closes.
No one can comprehend the agony of waiting better than I can.
Because I cannot stand being late.
I don't arrive "on time".
I arrive early.
Not 1 minute early.
Not 5 minutes early.
But 30 minutes early.
I can't afford to arrive late at school.
I can't afford to have a flawed testimonial.
Not if I want to have a chance in getting a place in U.
And I'm risking it all every morning, thanks to my perfect brother.
Ever felt your heart beating 100 times per minute?
Multiply that by the total number of days in a year.
Yeah, that's what my heart has gone through.
Not exactly soothing, isn't it?

But most of all,
it saddens me to see people who diss their friends just because they're not in the right mood.
Good friends who actually care for you.
Friends who want to cheer you up.
Friends who are the receivers of your abusive words, just because they slip up, or say things that you don't want to hear.
Yes, people get in bad moods at times.
But that doesn't give you the right to vent it out on the people that care the most.
Some people don't even HAVE friends,
and here is someone pushing away the people that matter,
The people that might flame me for talking bad about their so called friend in this post.

Last but not least,
it amuses me to know that someone will read this post and go : "Is she talking about me? That bitch!"
and try to retaliate with a fiery post filled with colourful vocabulary, shooting my points down one by one.
How...sad.

I'm probably so grumpy because I went out of topic in my MUET writing today.
Not that anyone cares.
Serves me right for being so arrogant.

--- JM ---

Author's Note : This post was not meant for anyone in particular. It is of your own choice to infer if it is refering to you or not.