Lapse

*panda-roll*
Meh.
Don't read this.
Tis not worth reading. I needed to write to ease my mind a bit.





Somewhere in the abundant free time that I had during the Summatives paper,
I suddenly remembered how in sec school we used to have to tie our answer sheets together with those pieces of string,
and how I used to finish early and be so bored and tie double knots and bows and whatnot.

And how they asked us that Datuk something something Mydin question during Moral in F5 and we were throwing paper at each other right under the teachers nose, trying to figure out who on earth the guy was,
and how everyone seemed to settle on him being the guy who started the Mydin chain stores.
I think someone said maybe he plays Negaraku and raises the Malaysian flag in the carpark every morning. LOL.
...It turned out that the Datuk Mydin our teachers had in mind, was the guy who swam the English Channel or something.


Anyway.


Back in school life was fun.
Life was easy.
I had my whole future planned out.

It was a given that I would be going to Taylors after I finished school.

And in Form 5 I had the world at my feet.
I was going to become this hotshot lawyer...or if not a lawyer, I was going to become a hotshot genetic engineer (basically a hotshot la okay).
And then I researched career options, postgrad options...I knew what I wanted to do with my life and how I was going to go about it.


And then the bombshell dropped.
I was doing medicine, and I would have no say in the matter (this is still a very sore subject for me so I'm skimming)
But like I said.
I had the world at my feet.
I mean, how hard could medicine be right? If other people could do it then duhhh...why couldn't I?
So then my plans changed.
Med school, work like a donkey for the first few years, get enough money and then put myself into lawschool.
It was perfect.
Everything was still planned out.


Today, I realise that there isn't much point in mapping out your future.
Things change.
People change.
People's priorities change.
My own priorities have changed so much in the past few years that I don't know how I used to have so much energy, so much competitive spirit to go out there and conquer the world.
I have lost that.
Medicine has not just humbled me, its has broken my spirit...over and over again.


Sometimes I take a look around and wonder "what the fuck am I still doing here?"
And sometimes I feel this is just where I was meant to be.
This is what I'm supposed to be doing with my life.

And sometimes I just feel like crawling into a hole and hiding away from the world for awhile.



I guess at sixteen years old, when I had my future all planned out,
I forgot to factor in a few things.


I never, not once, in my life thought that there would be something I had to struggle at in terms of studying.
Studying came easy to me.
Medicine does not.
The multitude of the things we need to know overwhelms me.

Meeting different people.
I grew up in Subang.
I went to Taylors, in Subang.
Right up til college, all the people I knew were the ones who had grown up with me.
We drama-ed together, learnt about life together, outgrew things together.

And then I come to IMU.
And I see people still behaving like high-school kids.
Relationship drama, backstabbing each other, being hypocrites...I outgrew all that by the time I was in college! ...and so did my friends.

So to come to university and be transported all the way baaaaack to square one. Thats just bloody depressing.
Whats even more depressing is that the whole lot of you (95% of you at least) are older than me!
Its a total WTF situation.
So yeah.
If I'm antisocial in IMU its because I simply can't be bothered to be a hypocrite and pretend to people I cannot stand.

And the scary thing is this is med school.
All these childish people here are going to be doctors approx 3 years.
Thats just scary.

I'm sorry. I know it sounds like I hate the whole of IMU.
...okay to be honest sometimes I do.
But I have my flaws as well.
I am an emotional wreck. And I am manic-depressive. Those are not easy qualities to live with...which would probably account for all my failed relationships, but thats beside the point.
I'm not asking you to be perfect.
All I'm asking for is a little more maturity than I see now.


And for those of you who claim to be oh-so mature and look down your noses at others...take a good look at yourselves in the mirror.
Tis you who is the least mature of the lot.


Maturity isn't about being hoity-toity and having a steady relationship and being above 21 years of age.
Its about recognising your flaws, being humble enough to acknowledge them, being able to compromise with people, shelving your arrogance and stepping out of that I-will-only-shop-in-Zara-and-only-eat-at-expensive-sushi-restaurants-comfort zone and seeing the world for what it really is.


I won't say I'm mature.
I'm incredibly childish.
I still sleep with my teddy bear, I still need to run home to my mother when I'm depressed, I still ask my dad/brother to top-up phone credit for me or buy me groceries, I still cannot keep a boyfriend longer than 7 months, and I am terrified of growing up.


I am one year away from being 21 and I am terrified of being an adult and accepting all the responsibilities that come with it.
I don't want to go to work and pay bills.
I don't want to get married and start a family.
I want to stay home, safe, cocooned within my family for the rest of my life.




..Look at where I started and look at where I ended up.
In case you haven't already realised, this wasn't a post of profound importance.
This was just me getting stuff out of my system. I needed to let off steam somewhere.

Life is difficult for me right now.
Its not just exams.
Its about new relationships being formed, old ties severed and thrown away, leaving...my entire world is in the process of being turned upside down right now.
And I'm scared.
And there's so much left to study and I have no time to stop and think about being scared.
I have no time to just step back and calm down and breathe.

I'm scared.
We're all scared.

These past two weeks have been hell.
The coming two weeks will be hell.
And when I finally get EOS out of the way, there will be bigger demons to face. My own fears.



This is where I leave it all up to God.

This is where I push everything out of my head and just study.
For the next two weeks.

I feel suffocated.




~vid~