End of the Year Post

Heyyy...look at that. 
Me. 
Blogging regularly now.
wooo.

Can I just say that I hate people who finish their assignments early?
It's annoying as hell when I'm struggling to finish mine last minute, and there are people sitting back, relaxing, and watching their favourite dramas.
Even more annoying when aforesaid people decide to be all reassuring and go "its okay, you'll finish...it's not that difficult really"
Makes me want to punch you in the face, really. 
Even though it is entirely my fault that I haven't finished my assignments and I really shouldn't begrudge people for not being procrastinators.

Don't you think its funny how I've suddenly turned into one of those angry young men from the hindi dramas on Zee Tv?

Except, you know.
I'm not a young man.
And I'm not living in a drama. (IF ONLYYY)

So yes, 
anyway, 
I've got about 5 more minutes before I force myself to settle down to my assignment again.

I honest to God thought the bloody thing was due on FRIDAY.
I THOUGHT I WAS STARTING IT EARLY TODAY MORNING AND I WAS SO PROUD OF MYSELF.
Until someone texted me and went "eh btw have you submitted your portfolio? It's due today"

NO.
NO I HAVEN'T.
NO BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WAS DUE FOUR DAYS FROM NOW.

ARGH.

And as of right now (9pm, 31/12/2012) I have completed one part.
Out of eleven.
Go me!


ugh.
Feeling wretched enough as it is, because of a dreadful sinus infection.
Actually had an asthma attack last night (I'm not even asthmatic what sorcery is this) and I thought I was going to die or something.
And today I've got the most awful stomach cramp.

And I've had no voice for the past 3 days.
Which is awesometh.
Totes.


What a way to start the new year.

Freaking out over my assignment with unscheduled intervals where I have to go empty out the contents of my stomach/lungs (depending on whichever decides to act up) into my toilet bowl.

yeah huh.



I really shouldn't be whining so much on the last day of the year.
This has been a good year for me.
Sure, I've had my epic downs, 
but once you leave out the bad..I've actually had a pretty good year.

2012 has been a year of many firsts, 
and 2013 will be a year of many more.
And that is both exciting and terrifying in equal measures.
 

I've decided I'm going to start a project of sorts for 2013.
A happiness blog.
Each day, I'll write about something that made me happy/thankful/etc etc.

Let's see if I can bring some sunshine and rainbows into this miserable grouchy personality of mine, eh?

Its actually based off an idea I got from tumblr - start a happiness jar for 2013.
But blog > jar ok so.

Yeah so anyway, 
I'm going to try and write something there every single day.

(I can barely post regularly on one blog and now I'm going to attempt running two. yep.)

So here's the link :
http://www.thehappyblindmouse.blogspot.com/

Wanted to use the same account I use for this one, 
but nah.
This is a shared blog (supposedly. *cough cough hint hint*)
And I want this project to be completely my own.
Also spent half and hour while eating my grand dinner of toast and tea debating whether to use blogger or tumblr...
..and blogger it is.


yeah.


Happy New Year, everyone!

May 2013 bring us lots of happiness.
And good health.
And wealth.
Lots of wealth.



Cheers!







~vid~

My Two Cents

I wasn't going to blog about this at all, but here I am.

In light of the recent Delhi gang rape that has sparked a huge outrage worldwide, 
this is my two cents.
This is something I've never blogged about before, nor even talked about before voluntarily, 
for one simple reason : talking about rape makes me uncomfortable.
It makes my skin crawl in a way that I can't even describe.
I don't know if this makes me anti-feminist or weak, but its the truth.

So this will probably be the first and last time I ever mention rape on this blog.
I'm not entirely sure where I'm going to go with this, but bear with me.
If you find something you don't like, you're more than welcome to stop reading.



India is notorious for rape.
Especially gang rape.
And the problem stems entirely from the mentality of the people. 
I can say this confidently because I am Indian. And though I don't live in India, this is a mentality that I have spent my whole life rebelling against :

Men are superior.

Your husband is God.

And despite the fact that most Indian girls and women are getting higher education and good jobs,
that mentality still remains.
And there will always be people resisting the "modernness" of today's Indian woman because it apparently represents a detrioration in culture.

But I digress.

What I'm trying to say is India is notorious for sexual crimes against women simply because men are not brought up to respect women.
And this isn't just a male fault.
Seeing the number of male celebrities apologizing over twitter and facebook :
"I am so sorry for how my gender treats women", 
"I am so sorry for being male"

I'm sorry, but what?


That same mentality that I'm complaining about isn't just instilled in men by men.
It is instilled also by women.
Generations of mothers who bring up their daughters with the mentality that men will always be superior.
Generations of mothers who don't bother to teach their sons to respect women.
We're all brought up with :
"Don't talk so loudly, what will your father and brother think?"
"Don't sit like that in front of the men"
"Don't wear those clothes, what are you trying to prove?"
Which son is scolded for the way he sits or talks or what he chooses to wear?

We're all at fault here.


And we've skewed this whole thing into a Man vs Woman issue.
We've made out men to be a bunch of rabid animals always looking out for female prey.

What about the men who get raped? We hardly hear about those, but that doesn't mean it doesn't happen. 
But I'm not going into that.

Rape isn't as much about sexual gratification, as it is about power.
Rapists want control.

This is a Good vs Bad issue, or a Right vs Wrong. 



And this isn't just an issue in India. 
We've all been talking about India now because of this one recent case.
We know about this case thanks to the extensive media coverage, and the horrible, horrible way the poor girl was brutalized.

What about in the rest of the world?

What about other cases?
The thousands of cases that never make the news, and instead wind up as just another statistic?
The thousands more that never even get reported?


And how much better off is Malaysia, really?

Six-year old children found raped and killed and thrown into sports bags after weeks of going missing?

Walk into the paediatric ward in Seremban and you find 14-year olds, 16-year olds who have been sexually abused by their boyfriends, or their fathers, or their step-fathers.

And in this four few months we've been in Batu Pahat, I've seen at least 3 cases.

Aren't boyfriends and fathers supposed to be the people who love you and protect you?
If young girls aren't safe even at home, what then about outside the home?

So how much better off are we, really?

How many of us girls feel safe getting into a taxi on our own?
How many of us girls feel safe to go jogging around our neighbourhoods on our own?

And even here, in Malaysia, 
the problem still is the mentality.

Maybe its not so much the mentality of men disrespecting women, 
but its the fact that rape just isn't taken seriously enough here.


And what I absolutely hate, most of all, 
is the way some people, even people I call my friends, can joke about rape.

"I totally raped that test today"
"I'm going to rape that presentation in the ass!"

I'm flinching even just typing that out.

I don't speak out about it much, true.
Simply because I've already tried. I've tried telling people "please don't use the word rape in that context. I get that its a joke, but its crude and hurtful to some people"

And more often that not the response I've gotten is the person laughing it off, probably calling me a prude, and then proceeding to make more jokes/repeat the word rape over and over again for no other reason than the fact that they are juvenile shitheads.
So I've stopped trying to make people stop.
Its easier to just flinch inwardly and let the joke slide, than to make a big deal out of it and prolong it further.

And that exactly is the problem with us.

Its either the topic is taboo, so we do not discuss it, 
or it is made trivial enough that people feel comfortable joking about it.

This is exactly what rape culture is.

Rape is trivial.
Its not happening to you or me, so why get offended when someone makes a mild joke about rape?

Why?
Because its wrong.
Because laughing at the joke and condoning such behaviour is exactly what leads to rape culture.



And because of a few rapist men, 
and a few crude boys who insist on making crude jokes about rape,
there is one school of thought that now blames men entirely.
Which is exactly what is causing all these male celebrities (that I've mentioned earlier) to apologize on behalf of their gender, of all things.

No.

Don't make excuses for these rapists.

They were men.
They couldn't control themselves.

They are men.
They are not animals.
They should be able to control themselves.

Rape isn't an impulsive act brought on by blind lust.
It is premeditated and cruel.


And the other school of thought harping on the issue of "maybe she was asking for it"

Really?

In cases of six-year olds being raped and killed...were they asking for it?

Someone once asked me "What if a girl is walking around naked? Isn't that an invitation to rape? Shouldn't she also be blamed then?"

I'm going to answer this with an excerpt from something one of the guys (I don't know who this is, or I would credit properly) wrote on tumblr :

We (men) are not fucking sharks!

We are not rabid animals living off of pure instinct

We are capable of rational thinking and understanding. 

Just because someone is cooking food doesn’t mean you’re entitled to eat it. 

Just because a banker is counting money doesn’t mean you’re being given free money.

Just because a person is naked doesn’t mean you’re entitled to fuck them. 

You are not entitled to someone else’s body just because it’s exposed. 

What is so fucking difficult about this concept?

I have men in my life that I would trust with anything.
I have male friends that I feel completely secure with.

Stop making excuses for the men who rape.
They don't rape simply because they are men. They rape because they are horrible, twisted souls with absolutely no respect for another human being.


For as long as we fight about who is to blame, there is never going to be a solution to this problem.
And I'm hoping the outrage about this doesn't just die off once the fuss about this case is over, as has happened so many, many times before this.


As has been said by others before me, 
it has to start with education.

At home, at school.
Instead of teaching people to dress or sit a certain way, teach them that rape is wrong and why.
Teach your children to respect other human beings.




Rape, isn't just a female issue.
It isn't just an Indian issue.
It affects everyone.

India needs a wake up call today, 
but so does the rest of the world.





This entire post may be a horribly skewed and ignorant perspective of things,
but I had to write it before it ate away at me.




~vid~


Rest in peace, Nirbhaya. I can only be thankful your suffering is over.

Christmas, The Hobbit, and other stories.

ROARRRRRRRRR.

Hello hello hello.
Miss me? :D

Of course you didn't, I'm hardly here often enough for you to miss me when I'm gone.

hah! Totally incorporated a song lyric into that sentence.

Go me.
woo.


Okay, so first things first, 

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!
AND HAPPY BOXING DAY!
YAY.

I'm putting a Christmas tree on my blog.
Because I can.

Had five and a half days off for Christmas, during which I had ample time to blog...so of course I didn't.

yeh.



Started Surgery today.
Last posting in Batu Pahat!
Just 4 and a half more weeks (because Wednesday is already ending) and then we're done!

And then study break.

And then exams.

*commence freaking out*

We've had to fill in our job applications over the past few weeks.
First we had to register online with the government, 
and then today we handed in the official application form for housemanship, which also includes our choices for which hospitals we'd like to work in.


I've been thinking about my hospital choices since forever, and I did make up my mind about a month ago, 
but while filling in the applications, 
my dearest brother had to confuse me all over again.


"Why this hospital?" 
"Why not this one?"
"Are you sure you want to do housemanship in the Klang Valley?"

-_-

Honestly.

I am an indecisive person by nature.
Takes me forever to make a choice, so once I've decided I like to stick to it (sometimes quite stubbornly), 
but on this...I was honestly confused.
And scared.
What if I made the wrong choices?
What if he had a point?
What if I regretted my decision? - I'd be miserable for the next two years!

Finally slept on it, and made my final decision two whole days later.
I've changed all my choices except my first one - because I really do want to work there, so fingers crossed I get that hospital!

(Hospital is spelt hospital in English right?) 

I still can't believe I've already sent in my application though.
And my interview is in two weeks!
Aaaaaaaah!

I still feel like such a child!

:|


Still in denial about so many things.

Work.
Assignments - goddamn portfolios!

I have to edit most of my portfolios...should have edited them the minute I got them back from the lecturers for each posting, 
...but ..I didn't.
Same old, same old.

Work is piling up. :/
And we have three more portfolios to write for this posting.
I really should start today, 
(which is why I'm blogging obviously. haiii)
but instead I'm about to start watching a new series.

:D


Being Human. (the UK version)

OH BTW DID I MENTION I STARTED WATCHING THE VOICE UK? (I didn't, but now you know ok so)
Because of Danny O' PerfectionDonoghue obviously.
Such a sweetheart. :3



Also currently madly in love with The Script's latest album - #3.
Almost played Six Degrees from it for my nephew the other day before I remembered that I had the uncensored version.

Had to go through my playlist of English songs to look for something non-explicit...
...and then just ended up switching to my Hindi playlist instead because its much safer. -_-

Six Degrees of Separation - The Script :
(because I love this song so much I must put it here ok)

 





Also slightly in love with another UK artist that has probably been around forever, but whom I've only just discovered :
Olly Murs!

LOVE his Heart Skips A Beat :

 

:3



Have I mentioned before how I'm the Queen of Digression?
I was supposed to tell you about how I'm going to start watching Being Human. 

So anyway, 
its a show about a vampire and a werewolf who decide to move in together as housemates and try to live as normal a life as possible ...and then they discover the house they've moved into is already inhabited by a ghost.

So the three of them decide to all live together in peace and harmony.

...or something along those lines idk I haven't started watching it yet.

I've been seeing loads of stuff about it on tumblr because Aidan Turner is in it.
(Aidan Turner = Kili in The Hobbit)

But at first I wasn't interested in watching it because he looks very different in Being Human, compared to the gorgeousness that is Kili the dwarf.

 

And then I was channel surfing sometime over the xmas break and whaddya know - they were playing Season 3 of Being Human on one of the channels (Fox? I think)
and I ended up watching one episode, and I decided I liked it.
The effects are ...if I'm being very honest...quite shite (especially the werewolves omg) but the storyline seems quite promising, 
so starting from Season 1 as soon as I finish this blog post. 


Since I've mentioned The Hobbit...

Initially wasn't going to watch that either, 
but long story short, we ended up watching it anyway last week.

I'm not sure if it's because I'm missing some of the plot, having not read the book, 
but I honestly found the movie boring.
Almost fell asleep in the beginning, and the end.

AND  I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH HOW THE ORCS, THE GOBLINS AND THE TROLLS LOOK ALIKE. LIKE SERIOUSLY. YOU'RE MAKING A HIGH-BUDGET (is that how you say it?) FILM YOU CAN AFFORD TO GIVE THEM MORE DISTINCT FACIAL FEATURES.

I know almost everyone else on the Internet loved the movie (judging from all the rave reviews), 
but I thought it was unnecessarily draggy - 3 hours, really?

But Martin Freeman is adoraaaable.

And Kili. You know what I think about Kili (gorgeous. I needed to say it again).


AND THORIN.



HOW MAJESTIC IS THORIN HONESTLY. 
(He's rather racist though - "I HATE ELVES I HATE ORCS HOBBITS ARE STUPID" you get the idea) 

But its okay hes handsome and we love him anyway.

He's already handsome as the old-ish dwarf prince, 
but so much handsomer irl when he's clean shaven omg.

Like.

 

Okay. Wow. Hell-o. 

Like seriously.
I just spent like 20 minutes on Google Images just basking in the prettiness that is Richard Armitage okay.

Moar pictures because. smolder. okay.

Yes.



Was going to blog about the labour ward and deliveries and all that, 
but that would be too much for this post.

I have lots to bitchwrite about the labour ward. :D
Both the best and worst experience of medical school so far.

Also, I may or may not have a crush on a certain MO in the Obs Department who seems to be decidedly gay.

(why do I have an affinity for gay men oh my god)



So ta-daaa.
Nice long rubbishy post to tide you guys over while I disappear for the next few weeks. 

whee.


~vid~

10 weeks to go!

[EDIT : I actually wrote this on Monday but we didn't have internet so...]

Roar.

So we’re back in Batu Pahat after a wonderful one-week break.
And if that wasn’t depressing enough,
we came back to find that power had tripped sometime during the last week…which you know, meant that we came back to a fridge full of spoilt food.
Had to throw EVERYTHING away and wash the fridge. Ugh.
What a welcome home.

And then, someone forgot to unplug the router when we left last last week, and so during whichever epic thunderstorm occurred during the one week we weren’t here,
our router got fried.
Which means we have no internet.

ARGH.

Of course I’m blogging right now because it’s when I have no Internet that I get a sudden inane urge to blog.

Planning to write this out on MSWord and plug my laptop to the LAN line and publish this in a bit.

Our LAN line is still working thank god.
But it’s in someone else’s room, which means, to use the Internet, I would have to annoy aforesaid someone.

Meh.

In other news, I have a new laptop!
My old one decided to die on me again, and this time instead of repairing the motherboard or whatnot, I decided to just get a new laptop once and for all.
I’ve had the other one for more than three years.
My new one is an Ultrabook – ultrathin yo! But it doesn’t have a DVD writer, so I had to buy an external one. Well.
It’s a Lenovo – and at first it was horribly annoying because Lenovo has this Intelligent Touchpad function :
basically you just swipe your fingers in a certain direction across the touchpad to bring up Quick Notes or (and this is the weird one) to change the Desktop background.
Why you would need a shortcut to change the Desktop background I really do not know.
And along with the swiping functions, there were hotkeys for both.
And the one to change the desktop wallpaper was Ctrl+Shift+T.
-_-
For those of you who don’t know already, pressing Ctrl, Shit and T together opens up recently closed tabs on your browser window (try it!).
So there I was, trying to open an accidentally closed tab, and I found myself facing a picture of a Koala instead (apparently my laptop thought I should change my desktop background to a koala for some odd reason omg).
Had to delete the entire Intelligent Touchpad application just to get rid of that one function (because I’m a noob and I don’t know how to change scripts to disable the Intelligent Touchpad)

But all in all, I’m quite happy with this laptop.
So light! And shiny *_*
And everything is in HD OMG HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH MY OLD ONE AND ITS LESS-THAN-WONDERFUL RESOLUTION.

I GET TO WATCH VARUN DHAWAN INTERVIEWS IN HD ASKSFKJGHDH.

Yes.

That was obviously my very first priority when I got my new laptop – watch Varun Dhawan interviews because I’m obviously going to realise my dream of marrying him someday.
Totally.

Had the week off last week because IMU decided to be nice and give us a mid-sem break.
I’m currently on the other side of the middle of the semester.
(that sounded weird, but you get what I mean)
10 more weeks of medschool left!

I know I should be excited – aren’t people always excited to graduate?
but right now I’m just terrified.
I don’t want to graduate.
I don’t want to work as a doctor.
I’m not sure I’m ready for that kind of responsibility.

Five years ago, I couldn’t wait to step out into the world and be independent.
To start realizing all my ambitions.
To start living my own life on my own terms.
(and all that other clichéd rubbish)

Today, thanks to the most gruelling 2 years of clinical school -  I am more than ready to get married, and settle down and be a housewife.

I can’t even be bothered with my ambitions anymore.
I’m done.
I’m tired.
I’m so, so tired. I don’t know why I’m tired, but I am.
(maybe this is what depression feels like)
Spent the whole of last week (and a few weekends before that) cooking and cooking in preparation for Diwali (which was last Tuesday btw), and after Diwali ended I realized that I actually liked doing things around the house.
I like cooking.
I like looking after people.
I would probably be okay with being a stay-at-home wife, and later on a stay-at-home mum.

Five years ago, I would have scoffed at the idea – I was too independent and strong-willed to even consider not having a proper job or staying at home.
Today I’m beginning to think its not that bad an option.
I’m completely serious about it too.

I’m done.

I can’t do this medicine thing for another decade.
I can’t even bear the idea of having to go through two years of housemanship.

Aaaaah.

And yet, life goes on.

At the risk of sounding horribly morbid,
if the world ended on Dec 21^st this year – I’d die happy.

I’m not looking forward to the future at all.

Roar.

Obs/Gynae starts tomorrow!
Maybe after I go deliver a few babies I’d appreciate life again. Or not.

HOW TO DELIVER BABIES OMG WHAT IF I DROP THEM OR SOMETHING THEY’RE SO SLIMY WHEN THEY COME OUT.
AHHHH.

Well.
Has to be done.
Bless you poor babies that I will have to deliver at some point in the coming five weeks.

My English is weird in this post because I’ve spent most of the last week talking in Malayalam or Hindi and I can’t formulate my thoughts in English at the moment.

Roar.

Ok bye.

~vid~

 

Ishq Wala Love

Varun Dhawan, how do you even exist?

I don't think I've ever been so madly in love with an actor before.

(I probably have)

Honestly wasn't planning on watching Student of The Year, even with all my hindi-movie-watching friends tweeting/blogging about it. 

Mostly because everyone was fangirling over the lead actor (Sidharth Malhotra), and had nothing really great to say about the movie itself.

Even when everyone was going on about the Ishq Wala Love song...I listened to a bit of it, and decided it wasn't really my kind of music.

And then, the day before yesterday,

I was randomly browsing youtube for hindi songs...and I stumbled upon this :

I swear.

I completely fell in love with Varun Dhawan (he's the one in white).

And then, of course, I have to go watch the other songs and ten million interviews, 

and ended up watching the movie itself today.

...the movie was a bit of disappointment, 

but that might be largely due to the fact that I was watching a cinema copy - I'd probably appreciate it better if I was watching a clearer copy.

But.

VARUN DHAWAN!

Ahhhhhh *_*

Also completely in love with this song now (even though I initially said it wasn't my type of song)

Its been on repeat the whole of today.

(and Varun's so pretty in it!)

Yes.
So obviously the point of this post was : BEHOLD WORLD, I HAVE YET ANOTHER CELEBRITY CRUSH!


uh-huh.



~vid~

An Apology

I would like to say I see how it might be funny that the previous post was titled The Thank You and this one is titled An Apology.
(well, it'd be funny if you had my sense of humour, but yeah)

Okay.
So this is me properly apologizing over the twitter incident that occurred a few months back.

I don't know if any of you who were involved in that incident actually do read my blog, 
but hey, 
apparently you googled my twitter account to dig up my deep dark secrets, 
so I'm going with the assumption that you can google this and read my apology.

Because I am sorry.


(The rest of this is under a Read More. Because of reasons.)

The Thank You

Wasn't planning to write today, or for awhile, actually, 

but there's something that I just need to get off my chest, 

and if I don't do it right now,

then I'll never get around to it.

This is a thank you post to all the people that have stood by me these past few years.

I'm going to be horribly incoherent because I just finished bawling my eyes out over a Suits fanfic in whieh Mike dies, 

and then I received a birthday present and then I realized that there are people in this world who love me, 

and now I feel like bawling my eyes out all over again.

So while I'm in emotional-epiphany-mode, 

I want to say a huge thank you to all my friends. You lot from high school, some of you from Taylors, the few from IMU who have stuck by me through the worst times, and you overseas lot whom I know only through my blog.

And the people from tumblr as well.

So many people I've never even met face to face who actually care - I love you guys too.

I don't deserve to be so loved.

I have days when I'm cranky for no reason.

I'm oversensitive.

I lose my temper faster than anyone I've known.

And over the years I've become bitter and cynical and sometimes absolutely unpleasant to be with.

And there are days when I'm insanely happy for no reason.

Days when I fangirl to the extreme and force my obsessions down everyone's throats.
I procrastinate and then whine about it to anyone who will listen, and then get upset and depressed if you don't.

I'm horrible at keeping in touch.

And then there are days when I wonder why I put up with people...only to realize weeks later that they care for me far more than I could ever care for them.

I don't deserve you guys, really.

But thank you.

For putting up with me.

For being there for me.

And for layaning me through all my mad phases.

I love you guys.

*big sniffly group hug*

I'll stop being a sap now and go do my assignment.

ok.

~vid~

Quarter-Life Crisis

So horribly depressed. 

I've been irritated with every small thing recently. 
The slightest thing is enough to set me off. 
I guess its because I expect people to behave in a certain way. 
And they don't.
And then I get irritated. 

Anger comes from having expectations. 
Why do I still have expectations when I know its only going to wear me down in the end? 

ugh. 


Can this all be over? 

Can I just curl up in a blanket and just ignore the world for awhile? 

I don't want to think about people. 
Or assignments. 
Or make decisions of any sort. 
Or think about work. 
I just don't want to think right now. 


Is this what a life crisis feels like? 

I'm 22. Qualifies as a quarter-life crisis, doesn't it? 


~vid~

The Case of the Solitary Thyroid Nodule

I am a horrible blogger.
I'm turning into one of those people who have blogs but never update.
I don't know why I don't, really. I could say that it's because I'm incredibly busy - which, to be fair to me, would be true. but..
It's not that I've run out of stories either, there are random points in time where I think : "oh, this would be good material for a blog post!", but when I come home and sit in front of my laptop, the only thing I can work up energy for is flitting between social networking sites.

I'm sorry.

Alright, so now that we've gotten that out of the way,
I'll tell you guys a story now.

(no, this is not going to turn out to be one of those I'm-sorry-I'm-a-shit-blogger-I-will-try-harder-but-not-today posts)



So.

The Case Of The Solitary Thyroid Nodule

So last Wednesday, I was sitting around in uni waiting to speak with Dr Kyin Win about one of my assignments... and one of the people I was sitting with just randomly decided to ask me :

"Do you think you have a goitre?"

[Goitre : enlargement of the thyroid gland]

To be honest, this isn't the first time I've asked/told about it.
In Sem 8, one of our fam med doctors decided to point out : "eh you have a goitre la", and then "maybe yours is euthyroid goitre" when I mentioned that my previous thyroid function tests had been normal.

All this time I'd just assumed I had a thick neck on account of my being..well, fat.

But anyway, 

since it'd been mentioned more than once, I decided I needed to finally do something about it, if only for cosmetic reasons.

So on Friday, when my brother had to go to the clinic for something, 

I decided to go along with him and ask the doctor if I could do something about the goitre by just making changes in my diet, or if I'd need iodine supplements or anything of the sort.

So I go see this doctor, right, 

(and surprise, surprise, he's an IMU graduate! - no names mentioned because, well, you'll see)

And he checks my neck and goes :

"Oh yes, your thyroid gland is enlarged"

"I think you have a solitary thyroid nodule"

What.

"Yeah. Definitely a nodule there"

What.

"Do you have any symptoms? Tremors, palpitations..?"

I did. Along with a recent increase in my appetite, and insomnia.
He even tested for the tremors himself, and my hands were pretty shaky by then, so.

And then I mentioned I was having trouble sleeping flat at night, but I thought it was my sinusitis and could he give me any medication for that while he was at it?

"You cannot sleep flat?? Those are obstructive symptoms already!"

W.h.a.t.

"You need to see a surgeon"

WHAT. WHY.

"I think need to cut la"  -  (okay, for aspiring doctors reading this blog - never EVER tell your patients things like I think need to CUT la unless you want to cause a heart attack)

And I'm like "Can't you treat it medically or something?"

[Note : When put in the position of being a patient and being faced with the possibility of surgery, it is completely possible that 4+ years of medical knowledge will just fly out of your head and you're reduced to asking about things that you should already know]

So he goes "No, I need to refer you to a surgeon. I think they need to operate quite soon"

Holy shit.

And then I couldn't decide whether I wanted to go to a government or a private hospital,
so he decided to write me an open referral letter.

And then "Do you want me to refer you to an endocrine surgeon, or a general surgeon?"

I don't know.

"If endocrine surgeon then you might have to listen to a bit of scolding la"

Excuse me?

"Aiya, you know these surgeons. For them thyroid nodule is small thing, if we all refer simple cases to them then they'll have too much work also right? I think general surgeon oso enough la"

Okay.

"Okay"

Then there are a few awkward moments where we just stare at each other.

And then I'm like

"Well, aren't you going to do a blood test or something first, just to make sure?"

"If you're going to a surgeon, then they'll do a blood test too, so you might as well do it one shot there la"

This is odd. But. Okay.

And then he emphasizes that I have to go see whichever surgeon ASAP because "what if your obstructive symptoms become worse??"

So I go back home and tell my parents, 

and then we decide we'll go to SJMC (or SDMC now) the very next morning.

And then I spend a whole night completely freaking out and going through every possible worst case scenario I can think of in my head, the worst being cancer (yes yes I know I'm a drama queen).

And then spend hours trying to palpate my own neck.
(and of course now everything feels abnormal)
And fuck, really, being diagnosed with having a solitary thyroid nodule the day after your 22nd birthday is just NOT. COOL. okay.

And then I freak out more about having a surgery because honestly, after doing Anesthesiology, I never EVER want to have a surgery in my life. EVER.

So anyway.

Didn't sleep at all that night, 

and then the next morning we went to SDMC, 

and after an insanely long wait for the stupid receptionist to start her work...

"Sorry ma'am, we open at 8.30. Yes, we're all here, but it's 8.28. We only start at 8.30. We're waiting for the time"

...to be fair, she started at 8.30 sharp, but wtf okay.

The doctor was one of those old-school grouchy surgeons (although he become considerably nicer once I mentioned I was a medical student)

He examined my neck.

"Eh girl, there's nothing wrong with you la"

What?

"No goitre la. Which doctor did you go to?"

So I tell him, leaving out the part about IMU, because I'm from IMU and if that doctor could be so horribly wrong I don't want to associate myself with  him.

So Mr Surgeon checks again anyway.

"Nope. Definitely nothing wrong with you"

But my pulse is 130 beats per minute. Probably because of nervousness and lack of sleep.
And my hands are not shaking.

But he sends me for an ultrasound and a blood test anyway (and shares in my wtf-ish-ness that the previous doctor hadn't bothered with a blood test)

The blood test was horrible.

It was one of the junior staff members taking the blood, and there was a senior staff member hovering around to supervise..

and when the junior fellow can't find my vein, the senior finds it for him and points it out, 

after which, the junior proceeds to promptly insert the needle in the other fucking direction.

AND THEN.

decides to pull it out just a little bit, and turn.

A few times.

Fucking hell.

Of course he doesn't find the vein after 3 torturous minutes in which I've plotted his death a few times in my head, so the senior takes over and draws blood from my other hand, in less than a minute thankfully.

And then, ultrasound.

During which the doctor proceeds to tell me "your gland is normal. No enlargment, no nodules. You're perfectly fine"

And then I go back up to Mr Surgeon who laughs, shakes his head and tells me to never go back to "that idiot doctor who doesn't know what he's doing".

By this time I'm both incredibly relieved and horribly embarrassed that I'd wasted all these people's time when there was absolutely nothing wrong with me.

But then again, I didn't know there was nothing wrong with me, thanks to that stupid doctor who decided I had a fucking solitary thyroid nodule.

Bitch. (he's a guy, but wtv)

Haven't gotten my blood test results back yet, but I'd be willing to bet my first-born child that it'll come back normal.

-_-

But yes.

Not the first time this has happened either.

If you want to read my other thyroid story (from 2 years ago) :  http://3bananas4u.blogspot.com/2010/11/hyperthyroidism.html
and http://3bananas4u.blogspot.com/2010/11/results.html

I swear, 

the next time someone decides to mention that I may have a thyroid problem, 

I'll smack them upside the head.

(I'm sorry this post wasn't funny. I've been writing endless formal reports and I'm currently being very depressed at the fact that my life is going nowhere)




~vid~