The eternal struggle to title my blog posts properly.

I miss you so much its starting to feel like physical pain.
Please come back.

COME BACK, HARVEY.
COME BACKKKK TO MEEEE.

USA HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY TAKE A BREAK FROM THIS SHOW WITH ABSOLUTELY NO REGARD FOR MY FEELINGS?

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SURVIVE BATU PAHAT WITHOUT AT LEAST A WEEKLY DOSE OF HARVEY SPECTER? HOW.

Physical pain.

Legit physical pain.

I has a big hurt in my heart place.

And all because of a stupid show called Suits.


Summer finale. psh. Summer finale.
Whyyyyyy.









...I daresay that might have been the best opening paragraph to a blog post that I've written in a very, very long time.

Planned this post 6 hours ago (actually I planned this post yesterday), and totally did not plan on beginning the post like that.
But oh wells.
Aaaaaand, like I said, meant to write this earlier, but its already 2.30 am,
and I have to be up early (how many times have you guys heard this before)
...so this is going to be one of those rushed I-meant-to-write-alot-but-I-have-to-sleep-so-I-promise-I'll-write-a-really-long-post-later-eventhough-you-know-I'm-really-not-going-to posts.
phew.
That was a long sentence.

yep.



ITS THURSDAY!
Well, technically its FRIDAY.
But OMG FIRST WEEK OF MY HOLIDAYS IS OVER.

NO.

NOOOOOOOOOO.

I knew this was going to happen. I KNEW IT.

Don't think I've done anything much from my to-do-list (thats in one of the posts below)
hold on, let me check with it..

The only things I've managed to do are :

Bake a red velvet cake (which turned out really yummy btw)
aaaand...watch Suits.

SUITS HAS RUINED MY LIFE AND MY EXPECTATIONS OF MEN I CANNOT GO ON ANYMOREEEE.


Aaaaaand since I'm obviously too emotionally troubled to write anything worth reading today,
I am going to include in this post the source of my emotional turmoil :

Ladies and gentlemen (do I have male readers?),

Mr Harvey Specter.



The arrogant, smart, smooth-talking, sarcastic, and oh-so-sexy (SO SO SO SEXY) lead character on Suits.








AND HIS STUPID BIG BROWN PUPPY DOG EYES.


















And and.
I'm in love ok.
I could wax on about his face and his suits and his everything forever but you lot don't want to read that.

So.

Yes.

I've gotten that bit out of my system for now (at least for the duration of this post).








So.
Lets talk about the exams, and then I can get that out of the way and talk about something else in my next post.

EOS (end-of-semester) was...rubbish.

I felt like absolute shit at the end of every day,
felt like I had no idea why trying to study medicine and become a doctor when I evidently had no idea what I was doing.

I've already mentioned MEQs and OSPEs in a previous post, so let's focus on the OSCEs.

Horrible.


14 minutes for an OSCE station is entirely too long,

AND WHAT IS WITH THE EXTERNALS OMG. First day, my first station had 5 people in it besides me and the patient!
And the second day, I had two stations with 4 externals each.
I mean what.
Do you have any idea how horrible it is to have 5 people breathe down your neck in a cramped room while you try to stop your hands and voice from shaking as you examine a patient in a limited amount of time?

gah.

To be honest, in retrospect, I did pretty okay,
its just when you leave the OSCE stations and you're walking up to the library and you tune everybody else out and you think about how well you could have done.

...feels like absolute shit.

Compared to everyone else, I did okay.
But compared to what I know I'm capable of...gah.

But then again,
this semester I actually felt like I knew what I was doing,
like I knew medicine.
Like I could maybe become a proper doctor.

Yes, I know I just said I had no idea what I was doing or why I was doing medicine,

but that's just it about medicine, isn't it?
That constant self-doubt,
that constant swinging of the pendulum.

I know what I'm doing - shit what the hell is this what have I gotten myself into - I know what I'm doing - SHIT - no, I know what I'm doing...

Rinse, repeat.

But I have fallen in love with medicine.
Bits and pieces of it.

I do still love law.
(AND SUITS IS NOT HELPING)
but I do love medicine now too.

And sometimes I feel that maybe this is where I'm meant to be.

And sometimes I don't.

But its a huge step from hating medicine outright the way I used to before.





And I still don't know what I'm going to do with my life later on.

Pursue law the way I'd always planned to? Continue with medicine?

I honestly don't know right now. And for the first time in my life, I'm okay with not knowing.
I'm okay with going with the flow instead of obsessively trying to plan every step of my life.
Maybe it's because I'd be okay with both options.







I'm not sure how I went from ranting about Suits to this.

Well.

I'm going to blame it on the fact that its now almost the witching hour,
and so I'm going to sleep.



I'll be moving out of Seremban properly tomorrow.

There's a sense of melancholy attached to that too, so I'll probably come back and pour all that out in another blog post.
(key word : probably)

I'll miss Seremban.

2 years of my life were lived there,
and although I whined alot, right now I can't remember anything bad about the place.

(or rather, I can, but I choose not to)

We'll forget the bad and just keep the good memories, eh?







Goodnight peoples.

I will try to blog more often.

Currently feeling horribly guilty because I've abandoned this blog quite alot this year.
And the times that I do post, its mostly ranting or random outpourings of emotion that don't even really make sense.





well. Goodnight.




~vid~